The Green Juice, or, When Leprechauns Poop in a Glass

When we were first planning this project, there was one thing I knew we'd have to do that I was absolutely dreading: green juice. I spent hours looking through green juice recipes, but eventually had to accept the inevitable truth: celery is always included. 

It is difficult to describe the degree to which I loathe celery. It is my lifelong nemesis, and it permeates even my earliest memories, thanks to the vile snack favored by preschools across America: "ants on a log." In fact, there are only three things I remember about preschool: swingsets, singing oddly repetitive songs about Virginia wildlife, and those heinous bits of stuffed celery. Every day, the "ants on a log" would appear. And every day, I would scoop out the raisins and peanut butter with my tongue and leave the empty celery canals on the plate. (I maintain this is closer to the behavior of an actual anteater and should have been seen as an homage to our fellow mammals, rather than poor table manners.) In fact, "ants on a log" was such a constant presence in my childhood that, to this day, one of the things I like most about being an adult is that no one can make eat celery. 

And then came bootcamp day of the DIY wellness project. To be fair, no one forced me to do this. But Lauren and I agreed to try the biggest wellness trends, and it seems like half the fluff articles I read online extoll the wonders of green juice (and juicing in general). It seemed like cheating to only put in the green veggies I like (which is, incidentally, all of them except for celery). And that is what led us to put celery, kale, wheatgrass, cucumber, an apple, and a pear in a blender yesterday, and dare to drink the neon green sludge that was formed as a result. 

And it was every bit as bad as we thought it would be. It was like you chopped up Ursula the Sea Witch and put her in a glass. It was like koala barf - in a glass. It was like leprechaun poop - in a glass. It tasted liked celery. And we made a video of it. So for your viewing pleasure (or digust), Lauren (of Just My Mazel) and I present "The Green Juice, or, When Leprechauns Poop in a Glass."

A quick disclaimer and a word of forewarning: We made this video at the end of bootcamp day, after multiple workouts. This is what we look like covered in sweat, sand, salt, and no makeup. Vanity went out the window on Day 1 of the project. And for those with sensitive ears, we apologize for the loud celery-induced expletive in the middle of the video. (It was a moment of weakness.)

One post, two flavors? Check out Lauren's take on the green juice experiment at Just My Mazel.